A Swell Party
by Death's Daughter
Summary: Jeeves and Wooster crossover. Eventual 9RoseJack. Following a signal, the trio find themselves in the quaint time of Jeeves and Wooster. Unfortunately, getting their hands on what they're after isn't as easy as they might expect.
1. Chapter 1

"Well at least this is nicer than the last place we ended up when we followed a signal." Rose said, as the three of them strolled along the sunny street, one hand holding the Doctor's, the other tucked into Jack's arm.

"'Course it is." The Doctor said cheerfully. "After the war, before the recession. Those who could were living the high life."

"And they never had Prohibition in England." Jack added with a grin. "So you could party the night away."

Rose felt an answering grin on her own face and thought again how much the clothes of this time suited Jack. It was a shame the Doctor never joined in the games of dress-up.

"_But_," The Doctor added pointedly. "There'll be no partying until we've found what we're after."

"Yes sir." Jack rolled his eyes at Rose and switched his cane to his other hand, pushing up his sleeve to check his wrist-com. "This way!" He declared cheerily, brandishing his cane like a baton and leading them round a corner.

-----

"In here?" Rose asked, looking a little doubtful.

"Yep." Jack said, leaning on his cane as he peered up at the building in front of them. "Doesn't really seem like the sort of place to be hiding alien tech, does it?" He commented, glancing at Rose and the Doctor.

"Appearances can be deceiving." The Doctor flashed him a grin, then headed up the steps, nodding a greeting to the doorman and leading the way inside.

"So what're we gonna do if whoever's got it doesn't want to give it back?" Rose asked, standing between Jack and the Doctor in the lift. Jack was counting off the floors on his wrist-com, but the Doctor grinned cheekily at her.

"I was thinking we'd throw Jack at them until they surrendered." He said, as the lift came to a stop and they stepped out.

"Hey!" Jack said with a laugh, trailing behind them.

"What, you're hoping to annoy them into giving it back?" Rose asked, glancing back at Jack, who was trying to hide his grin behind an expression of wounded dignity.

"Be nice to me." He warned. "Or I might remember how to pick that lock on the bathroom door."

He looked up as they stood outside a door the same as all the others they'd passed.

"This is the place." He said, pulling his gloves off and adjusting his sleeves again. The Doctor watched him, amused.

"When you're done preening." He drawled, knocking on the door.

"Gotta look good if you're planning on throwing me at someone." Jack grinned, turning to Rose. "What's the verdict? I trust you more than a guy who only owns three sweaters."

"You look beautiful." Rose said, laughing, as she reached up to straighten his hat. "Like you didn't know already."

"Beautiful?" Jack wrinkled his nose.

"I've got more than three jumpers." The Doctor huffed indignantly.

The door swung open and a tall man with a placid expression studied them carefully.

"Can I help you?" He asked.

"Yes, thanks." The Doctor said with a grin, as the man eyed his clothes in distaste. "You've got something of ours, we'd like it back." He pushed past the man into the room, Jack trailing close behind. Rose shot him an apologetic smile and shrugged, the man stood aside and gestured in a somewhat weary way for her to follow.

"Aha!" Cried the Doctor from the living room, triumphantly pouncing on a strangely shaped object that was displayed in pride of place on the mantelpiece. "Gotcha!"

"What is it?" Rose asked, coming up beside him. Jack flanked his other side, frowning slightly and as Rose glanced up at the Doctor's face she was surprised to see it suddenly fall dramatically. "What's wrong?"

"It looks a bit like a Tonnian communication device." Jack said. "But…"

"There's only half of it here!" The Doctor wailed.

"I say!" Came a surprised voice from behind them and Jack and Rose turned to see a rather stunned looking man, who had just emerged from one of the other rooms, doing up his shirt cuffs. "What's all this noise about? Who're you?" He looked around and spotted the man who'd let them in standing stoically in the doorway. "Jeeves, who are they? What do they want?"

"I gather, sir," Said Jeeves calmly. "That they believe they are the owners of the ornament you purchased the other day."

"What? That's nonsense!" The new man turned back to them and moved closer. "That's nonsense!" He repeated, more firmly. "I bought it fair and square." He tried to snatch it off the Doctor, who jerked it out of the way and tucked it into the pocket of his jacket.

"It was ours first." The Doctor said sternly. "It got pinched. And now we've got it back. Sorry about the fuss, but it's ours."

"Oh." The man said, looking somewhat at a loss. "Well, that's rather rummy, isn't it?"

"Just a bit." Jack drawled, shooting Rose an amused look.

"But still, you can't just barge into a man's home and start pinching all his bits!" The man rallied.

"I can if you want." Jack offered.

"It was pinched off us first." The Doctor repeated. "But there's only half of it here. Do you know where the other bit is?"

While they spoke, Rose strolled around the room, inspecting its contents curiously. Picking up a book, she peered idly at the front cover and found a name for their host – Bertram Wooster.

Currently, he was looking quite thoughtful.

"Tuppy Glossop bought something like it at the same time." He said finally. "He's probably sold it on, or given it to Angela or something, but he's the chap you need to speak to."

"Right." The Doctor grinned. "And where do we find him?"

"He's probably at the Drone's." Wooster said, suddenly looking more cheerful. "I'm heading down there for a quick snifter before lunch – I'm meeting Bingo Little and we're off to his uncle's. If you wait a mo, I'll take you with me. Jeeves! My coat!"

"Yes sir." Jeeves inclined his head respectfully and disappeared, only to return a few moments later with a coat, gloves, cane and hat. He shot the Doctor's attire another look of pained disapproval, as he held his burden out to Wooster.

"What's wrong with you?" The Doctor asked.

"Oh don't mind Jeeves." Wooster told him, shrugging into his coat. "He's a good deal too nice in his views on fashion – would you believe he even took offence at this hat?" He took the white hat from his valet, who had been pinching it between finger and thumb with disgust, and displayed it to the Doctor.

"I'm not surprised." The Doctor said. "It's hideous. You're not planning on wearing it out are you?"

A brief flash of approval ghosted across Jeeves' face.

-----


	2. Chapter 2

"Here we are." Bertie said cheerfully, gesturing with his cane as they drew up to the club. "Tuppy'll probably be in here."

He led the way up the steps and through the foyer, but Rose found herself stopped by the doorman before she could follow the others through into the bar.

"Wha-?"

"I'm sorry Miss, but you can't go in there." The doorman said apologetically. Over his shoulder Rose could see the Doctor and Jack turning around to see what was going on.

"Why not?" Rose demanded. Jack skirted around the doorman and laid a hand on her shoulder.

"I'll stay with you." He said with a placatory smile. "The Doc can handle the business, we'll go explore."

"Why can't I go in?" Rose repeated, shrugging off Jack's hand, not willing to be soothed until she'd gotten an answer.

"It's a men's club." The Doctor explained with a sympathetic grimace. "No women allowed."

"That's…ridiculous!" She spluttered, clearly thinking it was something far more potty-mouthed than that but restraining herself admirably. "And what're the women supposed to do while you lot are boozing it up in there?"

"Whatever you want." The Doctor said. "Just… not in here."

"Well." Rose said, smoothing down her jacket with as much dignity as she could muster. "Well. That's just _charming_, isn't it?" 

"You and Jack go and enjoy yourselves." The Doctor suggested. "I shouldn't be long."

"Oh no." Rose said, batting away Jack's hand again. "I wouldn't want to stop you _men_ having your nice private party in your exclusive little club now, would I?"

"Rose…"

"No, no! Go on. You go and do your…man things." She said, with a saccharine sweet smile. "I'll just… entertain myself."

"I think it'd be best if one of us stayed with you…" Jack said slowly.

"Oh give over." She snapped. "I know what you're thinking. How can I get into trouble here? There's not going to be any bloody barrage balloons for years yet!"

"She's got a point there." The Doctor said, shooting a grin at Jack who was still looking unsure. "Alright. Here," He pulled out a wad of notes from his jacket pocket and handed them to her. "Don't buy too much rubbish. We shouldn't be long!"

Rose gave him a tight smile and a little wave as he and Jack disappeared into the bar, and she shoved the money in her handbag with an irritated sigh.

"Great." She muttered irritably. "Fantastic."

-----

"Ah, there you are!" Bertie called from where he was perched by the bar, waving them over. "I thought you'd managed to get lost between the door and the bar."

"You don't credit us with much intelligence then, do you?" The Doctor asked dryly, as he and Jack approached the bar. 

"Well Barmy's done it before now, haven't you Barmy?" Bertie smiled cheerfully at the young man perched beside him who was studying his drink with a look of vague confusion.

"What?" He asked, looking up at Bertie with a slight frown. "Oh, yes. Hundreds of times – Bertie what is this?"

"It's plum brandy, Barmy. You just ordered it a minute ago."

"…So I did." Barmy said, his face lighting up with a smile of remembrance. "Oh jolly good!"

"Where's this bloke we're supposed to be talking to then?" The Doctor prompted, surveying the room.

"Oh that's right, Tuppy!" Bertie turned to Barmy again. "Barmy, old Tuppy been in today?"

"No." Barmy said after a pause. "Haven't seen him since Tuesday. Said something about going to visit Angela."

"Blast." Bertie sighed and turned back to the Doctor and Jack with an apologetic shrug. "Sorry chaps, you're just going to have to wait until he gets back."

"And when's that going to be?" Jack drawled, looking decidedly unimpressed.

"Not for a couple of weeks, I'd say. It's Angela's birthday Sunday next, he won't be back 'til after then."

"We can't wait a couple of weeks." The Doctor said firmly. "I don't think your friend Tuppy realises what he's got his hands on."

Bertie took a mouthful of his drink, looking thoughtful.

"I'm headed down there myself in a few days." He said finally. "I'll call Aunt Dahlia tonight and see if she's got room for you."

Jack and the Doctor shared a look of disbelief.

"What?" Jack said. "You're just going to invite us with you?"

"Shouldn't be a problem." Bertie told them cheerfully, not noticing their incredulity. "I'm already taking Bingo down with me – speaking of which, where is he? He should've been here by now."

As if on cue, a waiter appeared holding a small piece of paper out to Bertie.

"A message for you from Mr Little, sir." He said.

"Oh. Right." Bertie took it from him, looking rather bewildered, and read it.

"I'm not sure if he's an idiot or a genius." Jack muttered, leaning closer to the Doctor.

"I'll tell you one thing," The Doctor muttered back. "He's not a genius."

"Well!" Bertie expostulated indignantly. "Well!"

"What's it say?" Jack asked politely.

" 'Bertie – Lunch cancelled. Pressing engagement has come up. Bingo.'" Bertie frowned at the waiter. "Didn't he say anything else?"

"No sir." The waiter said. "He just told me to give that to you, sir, and then he left with the young lady he met in the foyer."

Jack and the Doctor started slightly.

"Young lady?" The Doctor repeated.

"In the foyer?" Jack added.

"Yes sirs. Blonde girl, very pretty if I might say so."

"Oh bloody hell." The Doctor groaned. "Rose!"

-----

Rose had most certainly _not_ sulking about in the foyer. She was merely trying to plan her afternoon, since she was obviously going to have to occupy herself.  
Beginning to regret turning down Jack's offer, she moodily kicked at the skirting board and scowled at the wall.

"Excuse me, Miss," Came a voice from behind her. "Are you alright?"

"Hm?" Rose turned round to see a young man watching her with raised eyebrows, and she forced a rather embarrassed smile. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine."

The man seemed rather taken aback when she smiled at him, and flushed slightly.

"Well…that's…um…" He thrust out his hand to her. "Bingo. Bingo Little. Pleasure to meet you Miss…"

"Tyler." Rose said, shaking his hand, her smile becoming more genuine. "Rose Tyler. Bingo?"

"My name's Richard." Bingo said hurriedly, before realising he was still gripping her hand and dropping it abruptly. "My friends call me Bingo. It's silly, I know - "

"No." Rose grinned. "I like it."

"Oh. Thank you." He shot her a lopsided smile and fiddled with his hat. "…Are you…waiting for someone?"

"Yes. Kind of." Rose glanced at the door into the bar. "Well, no. Not really. My friends are doing some business. They told me to go entertain myself."

Alright, there was a bit of artistic license there, but the basics were present.

"Would you like me to...um... escort you?" As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Bingo looked as if he dearly wished he could put them back in there. Rose suppressed a laugh.

"Alright." She said. "That'd be great."

"Wonderful!" Bingo's face lit up. "I just need to write a quick note, and then we'll be off."

-----


	3. Chapter 3

"If she's picked up another pretty boy…" The Doctor muttered irritably, as Jack tried to get hold of her on her mobile and failed again.

"Another pretty boy?" Jack asked with a raised eyebrow, while Bertie loitered a little way away and smoked a cigarette in the manner of one highly put upon.

"Don't flatter yourself you're the first." The Doctor shot back, with a small grin.

"As long as I get first dibs on any others she drags along." Jack retorted, then swore down at the phone. "Dammit, why doesn't she ever answer her cell?"

"I'm sure she'll turn up eventually." Bertie told them cheerfully. "The worst that could happen is that she'll end up engaged to old Bingo. Wouldn't be the first time."

The Doctor stared at him, while Jack slid his phone back into his jacket pocket.

"Oh don't worry!" Bertie assured them hurriedly, taking in their expressions. "There hasn't been a woman yet who's held his attention long enough for him to actually marry her."

"That," The Doctor said sternly. "Is hardly reassuring."

"Well I don't know about you chaps." The other man continued unabashed, flicking the butt of his cigarette away. "But I'm jolly hungry. Traipsing around London on an empty stomach after a renegade member of the fairer sex isn't the most pleasant of past times. How about we head back to mine? No doubt she'll find her way back there sooner or later. And I can give Aunt Dahlia a call while we're there."

"That's the first clever thing you've said all day." The Doctor told him, and headed off back the way they'd come.

-----

Rose was waiting for them when they got back to the flat, seated comfortably in an armchair surrounded by boxes and bags, cradling a cup of tea and looking thoroughly pleased with herself.

"Hey!" She greeted as they entered. "I was wondering what'd happened to you."

"We've been traipsing around London trying to find _you_." The Doctor huffed pointedly.

"What'd you do that for?" Rose asked. "Did you get the thingummy?"

"No." Jack said, with an irritated sigh.

"As you'd know if you hadn't swanned off." The Doctor added.

"Hang on," Rose set her cup aside and eyed the Doctor challengingly. "_You_ said I could go."

"I didn't say to attach yourself to the nearest pretty bloke who nances past and disappear!"

"So you'd rather I'd go alone and get kidnapped?" Rose retorted, standing. Jack moved over to take her chair and picked up her tea, watching the brewing argument with intense amusement.

"You could at least have answered your phone!" The Doctor insisted, knowing full well he was going to lose this round but not ready to give up just yet.

"Because that'd have looked _really_ good, wouldn't it?" She snapped. "A twenty-first century mobile phone being waved around when they're still using _telegrams_." 

"She's got a point, Doc." Jack called, unable to resist adding his two cents when he saw the Doctor was floundering.

The Doctor's nostrils flared, he wasn't sure whether he was pleased she was _finally_ learning, or annoying that she'd chosen _now_ to start.

"See?" Bertie said brightly, coming up behind him and interrupting his moment of indecision. "Told you she'd turn up here."

"A gold star for the ape who shows common sense for once in his life!" The Doctor said irritably. "Get on and phone that bloody aunt of yours, will you?"

Bertie watched, baffled, as he turned and stomped into the kitchen.

"I say, what's wrong with him?"

"He's jealous." Jack said with a grin, finishing Rose's tea and putting the cup down. "Happens all the time, don't worry about it."

-----

Rose went and sat on the arm of Jack's chair as a hearty cry of 

"Bertie, you revolting blot on society, what do you want?"

rang out from the telephone receiver.

"How'd you two find out about Bingo?" She asked Jack quietly, while Bertie wrestled verbally with whoever was on the other end of the phone.

"Our charming host was supposed to be having lunch with him." Jack told her, taking her hand and grinning up at her. "He sent a note saying an important engagement had come up."

"Did he?" Rose stared at him.

"Yep. Now Rose, tell me," He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. "Was he prettier than me?"

Rose laughed.

"No." She said. "He was a bit lanky…and kept pulling fish faces at me. Why? Feeling a little insecure, Captain?"

"Hardly." Jack squeezed her hand, then released it. "Doc got it into his head you'd gone off with some pretty-boy. He was consumed with jealousy."

Rose raised an eyebrow. Of course, she'd seen the Doctor acting jealous before, but she'd assumed that was just because he was annoyed that Jack was a considerably more suave version of himself.

"And what about you?" She asked with a slight grin, poking Jack in the shoulder. "Were you jealous too?"

"Insanely." Jack replied, catching her finger in a manner which belied the light-hearted way he said it.

Before she could do more than blink at him, however, Bertie set down with telephone with a triumphant,

"Ha!"

The Doctor strolled back in from the kitchen, looking only marginally less sulky, and raised an eyebrow at their host as Jack and Rose turned to see what was happening.

"All sorted?" The Doctor asked.

"Yep!" Bertie clapped his hands together and rubbed them, smiling broadly. "Aunt Dahlia's expecting you down there on Saturday – the day after I get there."

"Right." The Doctor smiled tightly back at him. "Ta very much. We'll see you there. Rose, Jack, we're off."

Jack and Rose obediently stood and trailed after the Doctor, who left the flat without another word. Jack shook Bertie's hand, smiling warmly, and said he was looking forward to seeing him again. Rose gave him a kiss on the cheek and a grin, hustling Jack out.

"Well." Bertie said, suddenly alone in the room. "Well!"

-----

"Bertie!" Bingo cried with some vigour as he strode into the flat, tossing his hat and coat aside. "You're here! Good!"

"There you are, you rotter." Bertie said, around a mouthful of halibut. "I've got a bone to pick with you - "

"Oh never mind that _now_, Bertie." Bingo interrupted impatiently. "I've got something dreadfully important to tell you."

"What is it this time?" Bertie huffed, stabbing at his fish with more force than was perhaps strictly necessary.

"I'm in love!" Bingo declared. Bertie levelled him with a most severely unimpressed look.

"If that's all you've got to say - "

"She's a tender goddess, Bertie!"

"What, another one?"

"She's not like the others!" Bingo cried. "I can see it now – I was only imagining I loved them, but Bertie I've spent an afternoon with her and oh she's a wonder! Her face, Bertie, her _eyes_ - "

"No!" Bertie exclaimed firmly, brandishing his fork at Bingo sternly. "No, you blighter, you've already deprived me of lunch. If you say one more word, you'll put me off my dinner too and I'll box your ears."

"But - "

"No!" Bertie repeated. "You can wait until I've finished eating, you inconsiderate toe-rag."

"Oh alright." Bingo huffed, sitting back in his chair. Jeeves leaned over and poured him a glass of wine. "How come you missed lunch, then? Couldn't you have had something at the Drone's?"

"I _could_ have." Bertie said haughtily. "Had the two chaps I was with not insisted on dragging me around London with them in search of the girl you absconded with."

"Two chaps?" Bingo sat upright. "What two chaps? Who were they?"

"I don't know." Bertie replied. "I didn't ask. Friends. Brothers. Mad uncles. I don't care."

"_Bertie_…"

"Oh don't get your knickers in a twist." Bertie told him. "They seemed harmless enough. A bit rummy upstairs, maybe, but not exactly a threat. Don't you think so, Jeeves?"

"Perhaps, sir," Jeeves said calmly. "Although the elder of the two gentlemen at least, appeared to harbour some…stronger feelings towards the young lady."

"Did he now?" Bertie grinned. "You might be in with a chance here, Bingo. That bird looked old enough to be her father!"

"If I may be permitted to say so, sir," Jeeves interrupted. "But there seems to me to be something more to these three than perhaps might appear at first."

"I say, what do you mean?" Bingo asked.

"Well, sir, I merely find myself wondering why the elder gentleman gave no name other than 'the Doctor'."

"Yes." Bertie chewed thoughtfully. "Yes, that was rather odd, wasn't it? Oh well, never mind. Probably just a nick-name. Like Claude and Eustace's friend 'Dog-Face'."

"Very good sir."

"Bertie, I have to see her again." Bingo insisted. 

"I don't know how I'm going to put up with you in Market Snodsbury if you're going to be like this all the time." Bertie wrinkled his nose in distaste. "You'll be unbearable – more than usual!"

"Market Snodsbury!" Bingo groaned. "I'd forgotten about that. Lord, Bertie, what if she leaves while I'm down there? I'll never see her again!"

"No fear." Bertie swallowed. "She'll be down there with us."

Bingo stared at him.

"Bertie," He said with feeling. "I could kiss you."

"Don't." Bertie warned. "I've still got the Chicken to come yet."

-----


	4. Chapter 4

-----

"What's up with you?" Rose demanded, as she stomped into the TARDIS. The Doctor looked up from where he was bent over the console, peering at the screen.

"What?" He asked. He glanced at Jack who was bringing up the rear. The American shrugged and held his hands up - he didn't want to be included in this bitchfight.

"You! You were so rude to Bertie!" She cried, hopping up onto the walkway and poking him viciously in the shoulder. "And he helped us an' all!"

"He's a moron." The Doctor said, rubbing his shoulder and shooting Rose a look of wounded dignity. "How that valet of his resists the urge to throttle him I don't know. And you, nancing off with your pretty boy-"

"He wasn't pretty!"

"Standards dropped now, have they?" The Doctor started inputting co-ordinates, and pulled the level to power up the engine. "Not that they were terribly high to begin with."

"What's that say about you and Jack, then?" Rose asked lightly, glaring at him.

"You were bound to make some good choices." He said blithely. "Statistically you couldn't have kept making bad ones."

"You," Rose said, flushing with indignation. "Are unbelievable. And not in the good way. Some day someone's going to give you another good slap, and this time I'm just going to point and laugh."

"You were hardly rushing to my aid after the last one, were you?" The Doctor pointed out. "You said I was 'gay'."

The TARDIS shuddered to a halt, and the Doctor grinned.

"Here we are. Brinkley Court, Market Snodsbury, Wiltshire." He looked round at Rose and Jack, the former of whom couldn't help the smile rising to her lips despite the barely-restrained urge to kick the man in front of her. "Just in time for tea."

-----

Bertie and Tuppy sat side by side, watching as Bingo paced up and down the room nervously, every so often running over to the window like a gazelle with co-ordination issues to peer out, before heaving a heart-worn sigh and starting to pace again.

"Fallen in love again, has he?" Tuppy asked after a space.

"Mm-hm." Bertie said. "Girl he met in London - she was with those two chaps I told you about."

"The ones who want that ghastly ornament? They'll be lucky. I gave it to Angela."

"You can tell them that." Bertie told him. "I'm making myself scarce before Aunt Agatha and Honoria get here."

"Oh Honoria's not coming, is she?" Tuppy shot Bertie a look of dismay. "Why?"

"Aunt Agatha thinks she's the best thing bally thing since sliced bread." Bertie stood and stretched, pulling his cigarette case from his pocket and extricating one deftly. "And I've been engaged to her that many times she's practically part of the family."

Before Tuppy could respond to that, Bingo tripped over to the window again, then let out a jubilant cry.

"She's here!" He screeched, and skittered out of the room, followed at a somewhat more sedate pace by Bertie and Tuppy.

"What-ho!" Bertie called cheerfully, as he spotted the three arrivals coming through the door and being accosted by Bingo. The girl, at least, looked quite pleased to see him, although the older chap looked like he dearly wished to clout him. "Have a good journey?"

"Not bad." The American chap said.

"It's marvellous to see you again." Bingo told Rose earnestly, grabbing her hand, much to the apparent disgust of her friend.

"Hi!" Tuppy cried suddenly, staring at the American. "I know you!"

"This is Tuppy." Bertie added. 

Jack raised his eyebrows and smiled at Tuppy.

"Hello." He said.

"I know you." Tuppy repeated as he came closer to the trio. The Doctor and Rose peered curiously at Jack, who didn't appear phased in the slightest. "I met you when I was at Ditteredge, last August. You nearly got engaged to Honoria!"

"Well, you can't hold that against a chap." Bertie said cheerfully. "It's happened to enough of us."

"You'll have to forgive me if I don't remember right away, old man," Jack told Tuppy with a friendly grin, clapping him on the shoulder. "It's been a hectic few months for me."

"Wouldn't blame you if you'd blocked the whole affair from your memory." Tuppy said, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "I would've done if I were you."

"You the bloke who bought the other half of that ornament?" The Doctor interrupted, eyeing Tuppy.

"That's me." Tuppy said. "But I can't give it to you, I'm afraid. I've already given it to Angela."

"Well take it back." The Doctor said, as though it was obvious.

"I _can't_. It was an early birthday present."

"Oh fantastic." The Doctor muttered, and Rose elbowed him in the ribs.

"Jack?" Came a rather forceful voice from behind them. All the men instinctively froze. "Jack, is that you?"

As one the group turned to see a two tall, hefty women approaching through the front door. The younger of which was staring intently at Jack. When she saw his face, a broad smile broke out across hers.

"Jack! Oh how wonderful!"

"Hallo Honoria." Bertie said.

-----

A little while later, Rose and the Doctor sat next to each other and watched with some morbid fascination as Jack flirted easily with the tank of a woman who had attached herself to his side.

"He was nearly…engaged?" Rose asked, not quite believing it. "To…_her_?"

"His taste's clearly not up to much either." The Doctor commented, although this time he sounded more amused than snarky.

"Do you remember that day we spent on the lake?" Honoria's voice carried like a drill sergeant's. Across the room it made the Doctor suppress a wince – how Jack could manage with it right in his ear he didn't know.

"How could I forget?" Jack replied, smiling at Honoria, then shooting the Doctor a swift look that stated he most certainly had forgotten, though through no fault of his own.

"You said I reminded you of an Amazon Queen…" Honoria sighed.

Rose gaped in horror and not a little disgust.

"He said _that_?"

"He's not far off." The Doctor muttered thoughtfully. "They were hefty girls, those Amazons."

Rose elbowed him in the ribs again.

On the other side of the room, Bingo watched them morosely.

"I say," Bertie said, coming up next to him. "Buck up old man, go talk to her."

"I can't." Bingo sighed. "He won't let me near her. Every time I try he sends me a glare that makes me want to crawl under a rock."

"Aunt Agatha seems to like him." Bertie commented, glancing over at the more formidable of his two aunts, who was watching the Doctor consideringly. "Perhaps she admires his technique."

"His technique?"

"Soul-crushing glares." Bertie clarified. Bingo let out a hollow laugh and Bertie clapped him on the shoulder. "I'll tell you what, after dinner I'll distract him and you can escape with Rose into the gardens. By the time he's worked out you're gone, you should be quite cozy."

Bingo brightened up and smiled at him.

"Bertie, you're a marvel." He said.

"I am, aren't I?" Bertie smiled, looking thoroughly chuffed with himself.

-----


	5. Chapter 5

"Bertie, why don't you know more people like that?" Dahlia asked, grabbing Bertie after dinner and gesturing to where Jack was quite easily entertaining the majority of the guests. "I'd quite convinced myself that all your friends were as useless and repulsive as you."

"Thank you, Aunt Dahlia." Bertie said.

"The other chap seems pretty on the ball as well." She commented, ignoring him. "Not the sort of person you normally know. Where'd you pick him up?"

"If you must know," said Bertie haughtily. "He picked me up."

"Why'd he do a daft thing like that?" Dahlia snorted. Bertie shot her a look of wounded dignity.

"Now really, Aunt Dahlia - "

"Oh do shut up, Bertie, I want to go talk to this friend of yours." 

Catching sight of Bingo gazing at him imploringly, Bertie held his arm out for Dahlia to take.

"Let's be off then." He declared, propelling her quickly across the room to intercept the Doctor before he could reach Rose. "Halloa! Enjoy dinner?"

"It was very nice." The Doctor said, watching over Bertie's shoulder as Bingo moved over to sit beside Rose. "Was there something you wanted?"

"Only to get to know you a bit." Dahlia abandoned Bertie with an ingratiating smile and took the Doctor's arm. Bertie inwardly crowed in triumph, and the Doctor looked down at the woman who was suddenly attached to him. "You said you were a Doctor. What in?"

"A bit of everything." The Doctor answered, somewhat distractedly, as he tried to catch Jack's eye and express his utter disgust at Rose's _tête-à-tête_ with Bingo with a meaningfully raised eyebrow.

Jack responded with an equally eloquent expression which managed to portray quite effectively:

'How in the hell can I go rescue Rose when I've got this hippo-sized harpy clinging to me? How about she comes to rescue _me_ for a change?'

The Doctor glanced at Honoria, who was staring at Jack with a look of devotion bordering on scary, and decided that the situation was hopeless.

-----

"How did you meet this Doctor chappy, then?" Bingo asked, sitting so far forward in his seat that Rose was wondering how he hadn't slipped off it yet.

"It's a long story." Rose said evasively. He was staring at her in a sort of goggly way, and it was somewhat off-putting. "We just sort of…tumbled together, really."

"Oh." Bingo twiddled his thumbs nervously. "And Jack…?"

"Same."

"Hm." He nodded and sat back slightly, tapping out a rhythm on his knees. "Lot of tumbling going on then?"

"Loads." Rose agreed, and wondered when the Doctor or Jack would rescue her. 

-----

"This evening went splendidly, I think." Bertie commented to Jeeves, as he clambered into bed. 

"Indeed, sir?" Jeeves asked politely, tidying up the dresser.

"Yes indeed. Mr Little spent a good hour or so after dinner with Miss Tyler." He said. "You could tell they were getting along famously – after about fifteen minutes they didn't even need words to communicate."

"They sat in silence, sir?"

"Well…yes." Bertie admitted after a pause. "But it was a meaningful silence, Jeeves. One that suggested confessions of love were silently taking place."

"Of course, sir."

Bertie scrunched further down into bed and folded his hands over his stomach, feeling very pleased with himself.

"Aunt Dahlia thinks they're all splendid, Aunt Agatha's ignoring me because she's taken quite a shine to the Doctor, and Honoria's keeping out of my way because she thinks Captain Harkness is utterly marvellous. All in all, Jeeves, a good turnout for all."

"Apparently so, sir." Jeeves straightened the sheets on the bed. "Will that be all, sir?"

"Yes thank you, Jeeves."

"Very good, sir."

-----

"Any luck locating this thingy-ma-doo?" Rose asked tiredly, slumped against the TARDIS kitchen table.

"Angela said she'd show me it tomorrow." The Doctor sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face more from frustration than fatigue.

"Pinch it when she's not looking, will you?" Jack mumbled, his face hidden in his arms as he sprawled across the table. "The sooner we can get out of here the sooner I can forget Honoria Glossop. Again."

"Bingo doesn't talk." Rose said. "He just sort of…sits. And stares at me. And…y'know, gapes a bit. Like a fish, but with period hair and a bow tie."

"That's what you get for picking 'em for their looks." The Doctor commented.

"There's nothing to look at!" Rose protested.

"She's right, Doc." Jack agreed, his face still firmly fixed on the table. "Skinny as a freaking lamp-post. If he turned sideways, you'd lose him."

"We can only hope."

"It was just nice to have a bloke concerned about me." She said thoughtfully.

"We were concerned about you!" The Doctor said.

"He offered to escort me around London."

"I offered to escort you around London!" Jack said, lifting his head up for the first time since they'd settled down in the kitchen for a reviving cup of tea; unfortunately none of them had been quite able to work up the will to move and make it.

"Yeah, but I was annoyed at you." Rose propped her chin on her hand and smothered a yawn. "He seemed nice."

"Seeming nice and being nice aren't exactly the same thing." The Doctor pointed out. "Adam?"

"Oh _Adam_…" Rose grumbled, pulling a face.

"Adam?" Jack asked.

"Annoying." Rose supplied, in the state of tiredness where alliteration is good.

"Arsehole." The Doctor chipped in.

"Oh. That Adam." Jack yawned and stretched, letting out a groan of relief as everything popped back into place. Rose and the Doctor realised this was rather more interesting than it perhaps should have been and went back to studying the tabletop.

"Right." Said the Doctor eventually. "Bed."

"Bed." Rose agreed, standing.

"All together?" Jack asked with a tired leer.

"Sod off." The Doctor said cheerfully. "You'd steal the quilt."

-----

The second half of the communication device had pride of place on the mantelpiece in the back drawing room. Angela beamed as she took it down carefully and showed it to the Doctor.

"Isn't it lovely?" She asked.

"Oh yes." The Doctor agreed, not really listening. In reality, it was pretty hideous, gunmetal grey and shaped in some repulsive twisting shape with blobs on. It looked like, the Doctor thought absently, a mutant phallus with acne. Charming. "Is it alright if I take a closer look?" He asked.

"I don't see why not." Angela said, and handed it over to him gently. "Careful! It's very delicate."

The Doctor suppressed any comment. He knew full well this thing could withstand most things short of a nuclear blast, but there was no need for her to know that. He rolled it over in his hands, suddenly struck by how useless it was to have it here when he couldn't get his sonic screwdriver out to properly study it.

"I was wondering," He said after a pause. "If I could buy this off you."

"Oh no." Angela said, taking it off him and setting it precisely back on the mantelpiece. "I couldn't sell it – it was a present from Tuppy. He'd be heartbroken."

"I'm sure he'd understand." The Doctor tried.

"No, Doctor. I'm flattered you offered, but that's my last word on the matter." 

She smiled and left the room. The Doctor eyed the ornament in dislike for a moment, before taking a quick reading with his sonic screwdriver to analyse later. Then he shoved his hands in his pockets and headed out into the grounds, where Jack and Rose had been dragged off to by their respective limpets.

-----

"So…" Jack said slowly, as he and Honoria strolled around the grounds. "How is everyone? It's been so long since I saw them…"

"Oh everyone's fine." Honoria sighed. "Oswald's put on a couple of inches, Daddy and Mummy are well. They're all topping. You remember that groundskeeper of ours – Henderson? He disappeared a couple of days before you did. He never turned up."

"Henderson?" Jack asked idly.

"You must remember him." Honoria insisted. "Dreadfully tall chap, white hair, always looked frightfully ill. And he had the funniest eyes."

"Oh yes." Jack said. "Henderson."

"Now Jack, you must tell me," She said, looking up at him. "Where did you disappear to last year? You left so suddenly, and no-one could get in contact with you. We quite thought you'd dropped off the face of the planet!"

_I probably had_, Jack thought wryly.

"I was busy being an International Man of Mystery." He told her with a cheeky grin. "If I told you any more than that I'd have to kill you."

Honoria let out a bark of laughter that sounded like a donkey over a megaphone, and swatted his arm in what she clearly thought was a playful manner. Jack suppressed a wince and knew he'd have a sizeable bruise there the next day.

"Oh Jack, you are funny!" She chuckled. "Fine, if you're going to be infuriating and not tell me, I shan't give you the pleasure of having me ask. We'll just have to carry on from where we left off."

Her hand tightened slightly on the crook of his arm and a sense of dread filled him as he remembered what Tuppy had said earlier.

"Ah." Jack reached up and squeezed her hand, giving her an apologetic smile. "I'm afraid, sweetheart, that won't be possible, much as I'd love to."

Honoria narrowed her eyes at him. While Jack had a bit of height on her, and possibly a bit of strength, she was still built like a middleweight boxer and she could do him a good deal of harm if she didn't take this well. Of course, that'd be nothing to what the Doctor was going to do when he found out, because he most certainly wasn't going to be happy.

"You see," He continued, his hand reaching into his pocket and closing around something he always kept with him, just in case. "I'm engaged."

"Engaged?" Honoria echoed dangerously. "To whom?"

-----

Rose smiled and waved to Jack as she and Bingo strolled towards him and Honoria, glad that there was a chance she'd be getting some conversation soon. He grinned back, but there was an expression in his eyes that made her pause. No sooner had she registered a sense of severe foreboding that was becoming familiar in all of her travels with the Doctor, Jack had descended upon them.

"Darling!" He said with somewhat pointed feeling, then kissed her soundly.

She was too stunned to do much more than stand there, and when Jack pulled back and looped her hand through his arm, she was surprised to see a diamond ring glinting around her knuckle. She stared at Jack in disbelief – damn that man had light fingers. How'd he managed to slip that on her without her noticing? Her gaze moved almost frantically around the group looking at them.

Honoria was looking ready to thump someone – probably her; Bingo was gaping at her like his heart had been broken; and over his shoulder, a little way away, the Doctor who had been heading towards them, was treating Jack to a look of such unbridled rage that made even Rose shiver. Jack noticed it at about the same time and tensed beside her.

Well, she thought somewhat unsympathetically, at least he knows he's made a cock-up.

-----


	6. Chapter 6

"-And where did you even get an engagement ring!" Rose demanded.

They were back in the TARDIS, and Jack was looking suitably contrite, leaning on the rail around the control panel. The Doctor was sitting in the control chair, rolling his stress-ball-thing between his hands and glaring at Jack as if contemplating throwing the item at his head.

"I always carry one." Jack said. "Just in case – you'd be surprised how often you'd need one."

" 'Just in case'!" Rose echoed in disbelief. "When is an engagement ring 'just in case'!"

"When your name's Jack Harkness." The Doctor bit out, still glaring at Jack.

"What, you'd rather I'd just led her on and scarpered when we were done?" Jack snapped.

"Isn't that what you usually do?" The Doctor asked coldly. Jack flinched almost imperceptibly.

"Not since there was a chance of me ending up stranded if I did something you disapproved of." The American shot back. "Besides, at least this way that 'pretty boy' of hers that you're so jealous of will leave her alone."

"What makes you think you're any better than he is?" The Doctor retorted snidely.

"I've accepted the fact that she's off-limits." Jack replied, equally snidely. "That's something you've made pretty damn clear since I got here."

"_She's_ standing right here." Rose reminded them, with a grimly sweet smile. "And, much as I hate to admit it, Jack's right."

Jack and the Doctor both stared at her.

"If we do this," she elaborated. "Jack and I get rid of Honoria and Bingo, everyone's happy when we leave. _But_," She added, glaring at Jack. "Since you didn't bother to ask, we're doing this my way."

"Yes ma'am." Jack said, a small grin tugging at his lips. "I always did like a controlling woman."

Rose couldn't help an answering grin, and she looked at the Doctor, raising her eyebrows expectantly. He glared back at her for a moment, before huffing out a defeated sigh and grinning as well.

"Right then!" She crowed, clapping her hands. "Back to business!"

"Right!" The Doctor agreed, leaping to his feet and pulling out his sonic screwdriver. He transferred the reading from it onto the control panel and brought it up on screen. "This is what's being transmitted."

Jack and Rose circled round to squint over his shoulders.

"What is it?" Rose asked finally.

"Co-ordinates." The Doctor said.

"To what?"

"_That_," The Doctor grinned at her. "Is the question."

"I've got some info." Jack piped up. "Last time I was here, I was with the Time Agency."

"How can you tell?"

"A couple of days before I left – the groundskeeper at Ditteredge left. Guy called 'Henderson'." He grinned. "Apparently he was a tall guy. Skinny, very pale hair and creepy eyes. Looked sick."

"…Tonnian." The Doctor said, his grin broadening impossibly.

"Tonnian." Jack agreed. "And I left pretty soon afterwards, I gather, so it must've been Time Agency business. They gave us a couple of days to tie up our affairs, then we were off. That means the details should be…"

"In the Time Agency case files!" The Doctor let out a triumphant cackle and clapped Jack on the shoulder. "I can almost forgive you for being you." He said.

"Almost?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "You mean this isn't enough for you?"

"I'm a little harder work than that." He chuckled, and turned back to the console. "Right! Hacking for dummies…"

-----

"I suppose you've heard the news, Jeeves." Bertie said, as he dressed for dinner.

"Which news would that be, sir?" Jeeves asked, helping Bertie into his waistcoat.

"About Captain Harkness and Miss Tyler."

"Yes, sir. I had been informed of the circumstances."

"A bit rummy, isn't it?" Bertie commented, doing up his bowtie with a thoughtful frown. "I thought you said it was the Doctor who had his eye on Miss Tyler."

"That was what I had originally assumed, sir." Jeeves held out Bertie's jacket for him. "However it is not unknown for such a situation to be mistaken due to the intricacies of the emotions involved."

"Quite right, quite right." Bertie agreed, shrugging into his jacket and straightening it, while Jeeves brushed down the back and shoulders. "Still, Mr Little's devastated, and Miss Glossop's mad as hellfire."

"So I can imagine, sir." Jeeves stepped back. "Mrs Spencer-Gregson expressed a wish to conference with you before dinner, sir."

"Did she now?" Bertie raised an eyebrow. "That's not like her. Normally she'd make me sit through dinner and stew – let the food turn to ash in my mouth, that sort of thing. Draw out the torture." He paused, as something occurred to him. "Oh blast, she must have something truly unbearable planned."

"I think it very likely, sir."

"Well." Bertie drew in a deep breath. "Wish me luck, Jeeves."

"Good luck, sir."

-----

"Bertie," Agatha said severely, glaring at him in her mirror as she dressed her hair for dinner. Bertie shifted uncomfortably behind her, the reflection doing nothing to lessen her formidable countenance. "You must of course be aware of the travesty that took place this afternoon?"

"Travesty?" Bertie asked. "I can't say I am, Aunt Agatha, although I'm dashed sorry I missed it."

"I am talking of Captain Harkness and Miss Tyler." Agatha continued wrathfully.

"Oh." Bertie said. "_That_ travesty. Righto."

"That man is worthless," Agatha declared. "But poor Honoria thinks he's wonderful, and it gives me pains, Bertie, great pains, to see the dear girl so heartsick."

Bertie was privately of the opinion that to be heartsick, you had to first have a heart, and he had yet to see proof of one in Honoria, but he kept that feeling to himself.

"This is what you will do," Agatha said, turning to face him. The force of her glower nearly knocked Bertie off his feet. "You will break up this mockery of an engagement between Captain Harkness and Miss Tyler, and see that Captain Harkness marries Honoria."

"I say, Aunt Agatha!" Bertie expostulated. "Now really!"

"Because if Captain Harkness doesn't marry Honoria, Bertie, then _you_ will."

Bertie opened his mouth to protest, took one look at Agatha's face, and closed it again sharpish.

"Righto, Aunt Agatha." He said finally. "I'll…er…hop to it then."

-----


	7. Chapter 7

Dinner that night was an affair in two halves. A good portion of the table was in usual high spirits, enjoying themselves, the food and the company. A minority were not.

Bingo spent a good deal of the meal staring morosely at Rose, and the rest staring morosely at his plate. Honoria glowered up at the other girl, jabbing at her food with more force than was perhaps necessary. Aunt Agatha fixed Bertie with the evil eye, which he studiously avoided, trying to eat but not really enjoying it.

Of course, other members of the party were blissfully unaware of this, and Jack, Rose and the Doctor were chatting away happily in their exclusive club of 3.

"How many uses are there for an engagement ring, then?" Rose asked, gesturing with her fork and nearly sending a bit of broccoli sailing across the room.

"What?" Jack replied absently, momentarily distracted from his parsnips. 

"You said I'd be surprised how often you needed an engagement ring." She elaborated. "How many uses are there?"

Jack leaned back, thoughtful, chewing carefully before he spoke. The Doctor and Rose watched him, both waiting for an answer.

"Well," He said slowly. "You can sell it – on most planets, a good diamond's worth more than you can carry in cash; If you get the right shaped diamond it can cut glass…"

"Not usually terribly well when attached to a ring." The Doctor pointed out with a grin, which Jack mirrored good-naturedly.

"It's handy for if you upset some dignitary who declares you've gotta marry his daughter - "

"Or son." The Doctor chipped in.

"Or son." Jack allowed. "To make up for it; Sometimes the people you get caught by are more inclined to let you live if they think you were going to propose to someone before they got you – doesn't happen often, mind you, but you get the odd sentimental one…At a push you could probably use the diamond to refract an alarm laser, although I wouldn't test that theory in the field first." He grinned. "If you get a big enough rock, it'd make a pretty decent knuckle-duster of sorts."

"If you can get it on your finger." Rose pointed out.

"That's Fifty-first century jewellery you've got there." Jack said. "One size fits all."

"Expands or contracts to fit the size of the finger that shoved in it." The Doctor explained. "Microsensors in the gold, and a bit of fiddling with the chemical construction. Quite clever."

Rose studied the ring on her finger.

"Cool."

"And then of course," Jack continued. "It can make a good conversation-starter and chat-up line. You claim it's a family heirloom that you'll only give to your soulmate and women just bend over backwards to try and make sure it's them." He smirked. "Some of them literally."

"That line works?" Rose wrinkled her nose.

"Surprisingly well." Jack chuckled.

"You apes are so busy trying to find the right 'one', that you never take the time to think that you've got to get to know them before you know whether they're the 'one' or not." The Doctor scoffed.

"Finally, there's this." Jack finished, gesturing at himself and Rose. "Gets you out of a good few jams."

"You mean I'm not the first person you've done…this with?" Rose asked, not sure whether she was disappointed or not.

"Not by a long shot." Jack said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. "But you're certainly the best."

Rose flushed and grinned. The Doctor rolled his eyes, and further down the table, Honoria gripped her fork so hard it bent and Bingo let out a heartbroken sigh.

-----

Bertie was slumped dejectedly in the chair in his room when Bingo shuffled in and plopped onto the bed.

"I don't think I can handle this, Bertie." He said after a space. "I didn't taste a bite of that dinner. It all turned to ashes in my mouth."

Bertie let out a hollow laugh.

"You know nothing of ashes." He declared. "You had a gourmet meal. _I_ had ashes. Aunt Agatha has ordered me to break up Jack and Rose and make Jack marry Honoria. Or _I_ have to."

"I say." Bingo breathed in sympathy, then his face lit up. "I say, Bertie, that's wonderful!"

"What?"

"If you break Jack and Rose up, then I can win Rose back!" He let out a joyous laugh, as Jeeves brought in Bertie's brandy. "Jeeves, get to work!"

"Sir?"

Bertie sighed and updated Jeeves on the situation.

"So you see, Jeeves, it's sticky."

"Indeed, sir." Jeeves looked thoughtful. "I'm afraid, sir, a solution does not immediately present itself."

"That's not what I want to hear, Jeeves."

"I can imagine not, sir." Jeeves said apologetically. "I shall endeavour to concoct a solution with haste, sir."

"Good man, Jeeves." Bertie said tiredly. "Good man."

-----

Rose had gone to bed shortly after dinner, leaving the Doctor and Jack alone in the console room, waiting for the results of the hack into the Time Agency files.

"I noticed earlier," Jack said after a pause. "You didn't deny being jealous of Bingo."

"I'm not jealous of Bingo." The Doctor replied, frowning at the screen, and keying in one of the many codes Jack had provided him with. "Not any more."

"Not any more?" Jack repeated, with a raised eyebrow.

"You've seen him." The Doctor glanced at him with a grin. "Hardly something to be jealous of."

"Well who are you jealous of, then?" Jack asked, a grin forming on his mouth as he moved to stand by the Doctor.

"What do you mean?" The Doctor said airily.

"You were acting jealous earlier." The American clarified, his grin widening. "Who were you jealous of?" The Doctor didn't answer, nor did he look at Jack. "Not me?"

"No."

Jack let out a laugh.

"Surely you weren't jealous of _Rose_." He drawled, leaning closer to the Doctor. "Tsk tsk, Doc. You should know by now you both have a very special place in my heart." He stopped, his nose brushing against the Doctor's cheek, while the Doctor still pointedly ignored him. "And in my bed…"

"In your dreams." The Doctor said cheerfully, turning his head and grinning at him, their noses bumping against each other.

"That too." Jack murmured, his gaze moving down to the Doctor's lips.

"You should be so lucky." The Doctor laughed, suddenly moving away from Jack, leaving the other man somewhat unbalanced. "You've still got to work your way back into my good books after earlier."

Before Jack could reply, the monitor beeped and the Doctor let out a triumphant laugh.

"We're in!" He cried, bending back over the console. Jack joined him, all thoughts of flirtation out of his mind – for now at least.

The Doctor was rather thankful for that – he still hadn't quite worked out who he was jealous of.

-----


	8. Chapter 8

"Finn'ck Henn'dr'son," the Doctor read, when the appropriate file came up. "Arrested early twentieth-century England - "

"Oh, and look, I've not been credited with it," Jack drawled. "And to think, I thought they cared."

" 'Arrested for smuggling non-contemporaneous' – oh God, you lot were right up yourselves, weren't you?" The Doctor broke off to glance at Jack. " 'Non-contemporaneous'. Bloody hell."

"'S supposed to make us sound clever," Jack told him with a grin.

The Doctor snorted derisively and went back to reading.

" 'Smuggling non-contemporaneous technology to known dealers via the connections of the eldest daughter of the family, Honoria Glossop.'"

"Ha!" Jack crowed, almost relieved. "I _knew_ there had to have been a reason I was after her last time!"

"You mean she didn't simply bowl you over?" the Doctor asked innocently.

"If she did," Jack shot back, "it probably wasn't in a nice way. You know me – I'd never use a line like 'Amazon Queen' if I really wanted to get someone into bed."

"Wouldn't you?" the Doctor said lightly, not quite managing to hide his grin. "I'm disappointed. I'd gotten quite fond of the idea that you sat in your room and practiced all the cheesy chat-up lines you were planning on using."

"Sorry to disappoint," Jack said with a wicked grin, his hand on the Doctor's shoulder shifting from friendly pressure to something else. "The kinda stuff I practice generally requires at least one other participant. I could demonstrate if you'd like…"

"I wonder what you'd do," the Doctor mused idly, straightening up, "if I said yes."

He shot Jack a glance that was part amusement, part mischief and part something else.

"G'night Captain," he said cheerfully, turning and heading out of the room. "Don't stay up too late now; you've got a busy day of pretending to be engaged tomorrow." He flashed a grin over his shoulder and disappeared.

-----

After he'd had his second cup of tea, Bertie felt awake enough to address Jeeves, who was making the preparations for the day.

"I hardly slept last night, Jeeves," he said morosely. "I felt like a man facing a death sentence. And even that'd be preferable to 'wedded bliss' with Honoria Glossop."

"Do not be too disheartened, sir," Jeeves said calmly, coming in from the bathroom. Steam from the newly-run bath billowed around him, giving him the appearance of a benevolent deity taking pity on a poor lost peon. "After some thought last night, I believe that I have a plan which may prove suitable."

"Tell, Jeeves, tell!" Bertie cried. "Don't toy with me when I'm faced with the fate of Glossop."

"Well, sir, I imagine the best way to separate Captain Harkness and Miss Tyler would be to engage Miss Tyler's affections elsewhere."

"Jeeves," Bertie said seriously, after a pause, "you have _seen_ Captain Harkness, haven't you? You haven't, by some chance, managed to overlook him?"

"I am aware, sir, that Captain Harkness is decidedly blessed in certain areas."

"The man looks like he's escaped from the movies!" Bertie wailed. "If I were a woman, _I_ wouldn't give him up! What makes you think we'll be able to coax Miss Tyler away from him short of running his face into a wall?"

"I had the opportunity of observing their behaviour at dinner last night, sir, and I was struck again at the strength of the attraction there seems to be between Miss Tyler and the Doctor. I am laying out the Harris tweed suit, sir."

"The Doctor?" Bertie repeated. "We're going to try and nudge Miss Tyler towards him, then? Won't that rather…muck up their friendship? The three of them seem dashed chummy."

"While a regrettable side effect, sir, it will doubtless be best for the situation. I fancy that Captain Harkness, somewhat grief stricken by the ending of his engagement and feeling rather betrayed, would perhaps be more easily persuaded to marry Miss Glossop."

"I say, Jeeves!" Bertie said, staring at the man in awe. "You really are a marvel. But – what about Mr Little?"

"I fancy, sir, that Mr Little will unfortunately lose out somewhat in this venture. While he is probably the more admirable of the two gentlemen, it will be easier to sway Miss Tyler where there is already an attraction."

"You don't like the Doctor, do you Jeeves?" Bertie asked with a grin.

"I find him somewhat unsettling, yes, sir."

"Is it because he doesn't dress to your liking?"

Jeeves' face took on a distinctly disapproving cast as he gathered up the tea things.

"I asked him last night if he would be changing for dinner," he said coolly. "He said he had changed, then demanded what, precisely, was wrong with his jumper. I did not think it my place to respond. Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Not at the moment," Bertie said with amusement.

"Very good, sir."

-----

"So…" Rose said slowly, after the Doctor and Jack had told her what they'd found last night. "That means…?"

"There's some tech still floating around," Jack said. "And it's something important enough that Henderson left a signal so he'd be able to find it again."

"And Honoria's got it," Rose said.

"That's what we're guessing."

"So someone needs to get close to Honoria."

The Doctor and Jack shared a look, then smiled sweetly at Rose.

"Oooh no," Rose held up her hands. "No no. No! She's out for my blood since she thinks I stole Jack from her!"

"You're the only one she can't try to bully into a wedding," The Doctor said, highly amused. "Well, she could, but King and Country wouldn't be too impressed."

"She looks like she swings that way," Jack added. "You never know, you might be her type."

"She's bloody well not mine!" Rose cried.

"Don't worry," Jack chuckled. "You're taken, remember?"

"How could we forget?" the Doctor muttered, sharing a grin with Rose.

Jack rolled his eyes and held his arm out for Rose, following the Doctor out of the TARDIS.

As they headed towards the doors of the house, two figures came out and nearly bumped into them.

"Oops, sorry there," said one, as they sorted themselves out.

"Oh, you must be those chaps that Bertie was on about," said the other. "Jolly nice to meet you. I'm Claude."

"I'm Eustace," said the first, grinning at Rose. "We're Bertie's cousins."

"Twins," Jack said, with a grin. Rose squeezed his arm pointedly.

"You're taken," Rose muttered.

"I can still look, can't I?" he muttered back.

"You here for Angela's party then?" Claude asked.

"Something like that," the Doctor said. "More…business than pleasure."

"I hear you've been hanging around Aunt Agatha," Eustace said consolingly, patting the Doctor on the shoulder. "I didn't think pleasure came anywhere into it."

"Didn't realise we were a topic of conversation." The Doctor glanced at Jack and Rose with a raised eyebrow.

"Why not?" Jack grinned back. "We're very interesting."

"And we're nosy," Claude said cheerfully. "Carry on causing scandals, please. It's frightfully entertaining for us – Market Snodsbury's normally dashed boring." 

And with that, they disappeared.

"Twins," Jack said again, with a grin. Rose elbowed him in the ribs.

-----


	9. Chapter 9

"Honoria?" Rose smiled at the older woman as she turned to glare at her. Oh, the Doctor and Jack were _so_ dead. "Hi," she said, jogging to catch up with her. "I was just…thinking that, um, you and me could maybe, y'know, get to know each other a bit? Since you're such good friends with Jack an' all…"

When Honoria ventured no comment, Rose tried again.

"He's told me all about you."

Honoria paused, glancing at Rose.

"He has?"

"Oh, yeah." Rose nodded encouragingly. "_Loads_ of stuff."

"Such as?" Honoria prompted suspiciously.

"Well…" Rose faltered. "Like…"

"Yes," Honoria said dryly. "That's what I thought."

She strode off again. Rose skipped along to keep up with her.

"Alright, so he didn't say anything."

"You do surprise me.

Honoria sped up. Rose valiantly attempted to keep pace.

"Come on, Honoria," she wheedled. "I'm not that bad, y'know. I – ack!"

A combination of her skirt snagging around her legs and slightly slippery ground led to Rose suddenly finding herself on her arse in the shallows of the ornamental lake, Honoria standing on the bank laughing like a steam train.

"I'm sure you're a very admirable person, Miss Tyler," she called. "But I'm afraid you'll have to forgive me if I have little desire to get to know you more closely, given the circumstances."

She walked off, leaving Rose to slosh out of the lake irritably, picking duckweed from her hair and trying to wring her skirt out, imagining bringing painful retribution down upon the two men in the TARDIS.

Bertie came across her just as she was removing a particularly enthusiastic newt from her bra, muttering darkly.

"What-ho!" he called cheerfully, catching up with her. "I say, been for a dip?"

"Yeah," Rose said snidely. "Just fancied a swim."

Bertie studied her for a moment.

"Well then…best get you back up to the house and dried off, eh?" He held his arm out to her and suppressed a grimace as her wet one linked through it, soaking his jacket.

After a long moment of silence, Rose spoke.

"Bertie," she said, in the tone of voice that, when used by his aunts, usually had him legging it sharpish in the other direction. "You know Honoria quite well, don't you?"

"I'd say a good deal too well!" he said, and eyed her suspiciously. "Why?"

"Well…" She glanced up at him with her biggest brown-eyed puppy-dog stare, and Bertie would later blame that for his downfall, saying it woke his chivalrous Wooster spirit. "I was wondering, perhaps, if you'd be able to help me with something…"

"What?" he asked. "Because if it involves any breaking and entering then I'm afraid you can forget it."

"…Breaking and entering?" Rose repeated, blankly.

"Yes."

"Oh." Rose paused, then turned her most persuasive expression. "Well, no. No breaking and entering.

"What then?"

"Weeelll…This guy Henderson used to work for Honoria…And there's a chance he left something important behind when he left…" She fiddled slightly with Bertie's sleeve. "Maybe, I thought, you'd be able to find out where it is? Just, y'know, ask Honoria. She won't talk to me…"

"…Righto." Bertie smiled, glad for once he was being asked to do something relatively simple. "I can manage that."

"Thank you!" She beamed at him, and leaned up to give him a kiss on the cheek, before disappearing inside the blue Police Call Box they'd stopped outside.

Bertie stared at it briefly, wondering when on earth Aunt Dahlia had bought it, before shaking his head and strolling back inside, whistling jovially.

-----

"Jeeves?"

"Yes sir?"

"I've been thinking…"

"…Really, sir?"

"I was wondering. Perhaps instead of trying to foist Miss Tyler onto the Doctor we could, I don't know, tempt her away with another dashing figure?"

"Who did you have in mind, sir?"

"Well…Me."

"You, sir?"

"Yes."

"…I don't think that would be wise, sir."

"But - "

"It would complicate things unnecessarily, sir."

"…Are you sure?"

"Quite, sir."

"…Oh alright."

-----

Jack glanced up as Rose squelched through the console room.

"What happened to you?" he asked. "Honoria shove you in the lake?"

"Just so you know," Rose said, and smiled at him, saccharine sweet. "If we were really engaged, you'd be sleeping on the settee tonight."

-----

"What-ho, Honoria!" Bertie said brightly. "I was – er – wondering if I could have a word."

"I 'm sure you can, Bertie," Honoria replied, wielding her croquet mallet in a manner which made Bertie distinctly uneasy. "You could probably have a whole dictionary if you wanted."

She did not, however, show any signs of paying him the slightest bit of attention after that.

"Why are you still here, Bertie?" she asked after a rather long pause, where Bertie fiddled eloquently with his cuffs.

"I…er, I wanted a word. With you," he said, utterly baffled.

"Well, that's a different matter entirely." Honoria lined up her shot with the precision of an assassin. "Go away, Bertie, unless you've come to tell me Captain Harkness has murdered Miss Tyler and is looking to beg my forgiveness."

Bertie wasn't sure how to respond to that, so he soldiered on valiantly pretending she hadn't said it.

"Wanted to inquire after that man of yours, Henderson, actually."

"Left. Dropped off the face of the planet. Fell into the abyss. Do push off, Bertie."

"Gone, eh? That's a shame." Bertie contemplated the jug of lemonade on the nearby table with an air of badly-studied nonchalance. "He didn't – ah – he didn't happen to leave anything behind, did he?"

Honoria paused, then straightened up and eyed Bertie suspiciously. Her grip on the croquet mallet shifted and Bertram prepared to leg it.

"Yes, actually," she said slowly. "Just the one thing. Why do you ask?"

-----

"Here it is," Honoria said, extracting the ornament from the box carefully. "Not my sort of thing – thought I'd give it to Angela."

Bertie took it slowly and eyed it with a raised eyebrow.

"It's…lovely?" he tried.

"Oh shut up, Bertie," Honoria told him. "I can't imagine why you'd want to see it. Angela's all for this sort of thing, personally, I can't see the attraction."

"Oh, well, must run in the family," Bertie said. "I think it's charming."

"I think you're lying." Honoria took it off him and set it back in the box. "Now shoo, Bertie, before I punt you out the window to see if you bounce."

Bertie shoo-ed.

-----


	10. Chapter 10

Rose was sitting in the upstairs drawing room when the Doctor walked in and grinned at her, the door swinging shut behind him. 

"Well?" he asked.

Rose frowned at him.

"Well what?" she replied.

He frowned back.

"I thought you wanted to talk to me about something? I assumed you'd gotten some information out of the harridan downstairs."

"I was told _you_ wanted to talk to _me_," Rose said, standing. "Bertie told me."

The Doctor turned abruptly and began tugging at the door handle.

"Ohohoho!" he said, fumbling for his sonic screwdriver and turning it on the lock. "What does he think he's trying to pull?"

"You think he planned this?" Rose asked, moving beside him to watch. The Doctor pushed at the door again, but still it wouldn't open.

"Him? Hah! He's even more stupid than the average human. He's involved somehow though," he grunted as he rammed his shoulder against the door. Nothing happened.

That was because on the other side of the door was a rather large bookcase and a sofa, which Jeeves, Bertie and Claude and Eustace – who were thrilled to be involved in the mischief – had moved in front of it. Mainly because Jeeves, through all his wiles and cunning, had been unable to locate the key, as it had accidentally been dropped down the drain a few months ago and as yet a new one had not been cut.

"Give Jack a ring," the Doctor said, finally giving up on the door. He was staring out the window, weighing up the odds of climbing down. As there were no handy drainpipes nearby, and he was in fact faced with a two-storey drop, the inarguable answer was 'Not bleeding likely, mate'.

"Haven't got my phone," Rose said. "Wouldn't be able to use it most of the time here, so I left it in my room."

The Doctor snorted and slouched over to join her on the couch, the back of which was far too upright for him to slump comfortably on, but he wasn't about to let that stop him.

"What will people say when they find out we spent the afternoon locked in a room together," Rose sighed melodramatically. "Think of the scandal! You do realise, Doctor, that you'll have to marry me in order to save my virtue."

"You're already engaged," the Doctor pointed out.

"I'm having an affair and I'm not even married." Rose clucked her tongue. "What kind of slapper am I?"

-----

"Truth or dare?" Rose asked after about an hour or so, because, really, there wasn't anything else to do. "And you're not allowed to choose dare."

"Then why don't you just say 'truth'?" the Doctor asked irritably, standing at the window again, watching as people bustled about on the lawn - too far away to hear any shouts, he'd considered the possibility thoroughly – setting up the marquee for Angela's birthday party.

"Because it's not just truth, it's Truth or Dare." Rose craned her neck, trying to catch sight of the Doctor from where she was lying, sprawled on the sofa like a lady having an attack of the vapours. "You just can't choose dare."

The Doctor rolled his eyes at a passing pigeon.

"Fine. Truth."

"What's your…favourite kind of sweet?"

"Jelly babies," the Doctor said, without hesitation.

Rose propped herself up on her elbows and stared at him.

"Jelly babies?" she repeated. "Really?"

The Doctor glanced back at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, really," he said. "Why?"

"Just…I dunno…" She lay back down again. "Alright. Who do you think's prettier, Keira Knightly or Charlotte Church?"

"Aren't I supposed to ask now?"

"No," Rose told him. "Answer the question."

"Neither."

"That's not an answer."

"It's the truth."

"You've got to think one's prettier," Rose said.

"Why do you want to know?" the Doctor asked, turning to face her and folding his arms.

"Why were you so upset when you thought I'd run off with Bingo?" Rose sat up, raising her eyebrows challengingly at him.

"Why are you bothered?"

"Why were you so upset when Jack kissed me?"

His mouth twitched slightly. Rose tilted her head to the side, waiting for an answer.

"I wasn't upset," he lied blithely.

"Yes you were," she said. "You did that whole 'jealous boyfriend' thing that you always do."

"I did not!"

"You did. You looked like you were about to thump him."

"And you think it's because he kissed you? Think highly of yourself, don't you?"

The barb fell short.

"You always get like that," she continued. "'Specially when Jack first came along. Then you got better."

"That's 'cause he started behaving himself."

"Liar," Rose accused. "Jack didn't change his behaviour at all. _You_ just got used to him. You were jealous of one of us, Doctor. Which one?"

"What my companions choose to do is none of my business," the Doctor told her shortly. "As long as I don't have to deal with any of your messy human break-ups when it all goes sideways, I don't care."

"Bollocks don't you!" Rose cried. "If that was true, you wouldn't have cared that I'd gone off with Bingo, or about Mickey, or Adam! And what about Jack? I saw you giving the evils to that woman on Colmore! And that bloke back on Mars!"

"Why do you suddenly care about all this now?" the Doctor demanded.

"When else am I gonna have you stuck in one place long enough to ask you?" Rose shot back.

"I've given you an answer," the Doctor snapped. "If you don't like it, that's not my problem."

"It will be your problem, because I'm not letting go of this until you tell the truth!"

"That's typical of you humans, isn't it? If you hear something you don't like then obviously it's not true," he sneered. "Guess what, that's not the way it works. I give you an answer and that's it, final. No 'you're in denial', or whatever. The answer is _very_ simple, but I'll say it slowly, so you can understand. _I don't care_!"

Rose scowled at him and he turned to stare out the window again.

-----

Claude and Eustace were sitting hunched over a table, talking in quite, conspiratorial voices and grinning wickedly. Jack paused to appreciate the view from a distance for a moment, before sauntering over to them.

"Hey," he said cheerfully. "What's going on?"

Claude looked up at him, and his grin widened.

"Hallo! You're looking a little lonely," he said, and Eustace didn't quite succeed in turning a laugh into a cough.

"Mm," Jack agreed, eyeing them suspiciously, raising his eyebrow. "Yeah. You haven't seen the Doctor or Rose about, have you?"

"No," Eustace said, with an expression far too innocent to be real. "Have you checked their rooms?"

"Yes…" Jack said slowly. "What're you guys up to?"

"Oh, nothing." Claude covered the paper with his arm and smiled up at Jack. "Just a little thing to pass the time."

"Have you tried down by the lake?" Eustace said. "They might've gone down there."

"I'll have a look." Jack glanced down at the paper again, then flashed the twins a smile. "Thanks."

-----

Being stuck in the drawing room was a good deal more boring when Rose wasn't talking to him, the Doctor discovered very quickly. He was, however, too stubborn to try to do anything to correct this situation, since it was her fault he'd snapped at her anyway.

She let out another heartfelt sigh – the third one in the last five minutes – and his patience snapped.

"Will you stop that?"

"I thought you didn't care what I did," Rose said lightly, inspecting her fingernails. "Which is, y'know, _fine_, since I only left my _entire_ life behind to come travelling with you. My mum, and my boyfriend. And, yeah, you'd blown my job up, but I could've done A-Levels…And, y'know, you only put my life in mortal danger every other day, but of course, it doesn't matter about all that, because you don't _care_ anyway, so it's not a big deal."

"Oh leave off it," the Doctor muttered, turning back to squint at the people way down the lawns.

"Why should I? You don't care, after all - "

"I _do_ care!" the Doctor exploded, whirling on her. "Alright! I care! Is that what you want to hear? About you and Jack and the pair of you drive me _crazy_, but I know - "

He cut himself off and shot Rose a mutinous look, while she peered at him curiously.

"You know what?" she prompted.

"Doesn't matter," he said, stuffing his hands into his pocket.

"Fine." Rose leaned forward. "Tell me this instead – who were you jealous of?"

The Doctor hesitated. Rose raised an eyebrow and he scowled.

"What do you want to hear?" he asked. "Because it doesn't matter either way."

"It matters to me. _Which one_?"

"Either of you. Both of you. Take your pick."

Rose blinked.

"What, _both_ of us?"

"That's what I said, wasn't it?" he snapped, and turned to look out the window.

Rose peered thoughtfully at him.

"Well," she said. "Why not?"

"What d'you mean, why not?" the Doctor growled.

"Why can't you have both of us? Oh don't look at me like that," she snapped, when the Doctor turned to stare at her. "I might be a twenty-first century shop girl, but I'm not thick enough to think normal rules apply to you, or anyone with you. Besides, Jack said…"

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" The Doctor rolled his eyes. "I can give you reasons upon reasons, Rose. Just trust me, it's not a good idea."

"_I_ think it's a very good idea," Rose said, standing. "I bet Jack would too. He never looks at anyone else the way he looks at us."

"There's the age gap, for one - "

"Having younger lovers is fashionable nowadays. Look at Joan Collins."

"I'm an alien."

"You look human enough to me. I'm pretty sure you've got all the bits that matter."

"Rose…"

"Doctor, _I don't care_," she told him firmly, moving to stand by him. "_I_ think it's a good idea. I want it to happen."

"Well I don't," the Doctor said mutinously.

"Liar," Rose reached up to smooth out the collar of his jacket idly. "I've seen you looking. And you've said things…And now you've admitted it…"

"I haven't admitted anything – mmph!"

Rose shifted her grip on his collar and tugged him down for a kiss, inelegant and unromantic, but enough to put her point across. He pulled her to him and kissed back forcefully.

When they broke apart, Rose grinned up at him, face flushed.

"Well," she said happily, fiddling with his jacket again. "That was easy enough. Now we've just got to convince Jack."

The Doctor was about to respond, but he caught a movement out the window. Turning to look properly, he spotted Jack, eyes fixed on them from the ground, an expression on his face that was pained. He turned to go, but the Doctor flung the window open.

"Jack!" he bellowed. "Jack!"

Jack turned, making as if he'd only just seen them.

"Oh hey, Doc!" he called, flashing a grin that was fake even from two storeys below. "I was just looking for you. I don't suppose you've got Rose in there with you?"

His tone was light and false, and Rose winced at the Doctor. He didn't react to her though.

"Jack, we're stuck! Someone's locked us in here!"

"What about the screwdriver?" Jack frowned.

"It's not working! I think there's something on the other side!" He grinned down at Jack, who for once didn't match it. "Going to come rescue us, Captain? I'm not going to play Damsel in Distress, but I think Rose might if you ask nicely."

"She wasn't looking too distressed," Jack called, and before the Doctor could respond, he slipped back into the house to come get them.

------


	11. Chapter 11

------

"Well Jeeves," Bertie asked, as he dressed for dinner, "did all go as planned?"

"I believe so, sir," Jeeves said, smoothing out the shoulders of Bertie's jacket. "Better than I anticipated, in fact. I was fortunate enough to see the Doctor and Miss Tyler kissing, and it was fortuitous that Captain Harkness also happened to see them. He appeared…greatly distressed."

Bertie wrinkled his nose slightly as he adjusted his bow tie.

"I suppose he does love her," he mused. "Jeeves, I think we have done something beastly."

"Sir?"

"Yes Jeeves. In our ardent desire to avoid my attachment to the Glossop, we may have caused Captain Harkness some injury."

"It is possible, sir, we have saved him some pain," Jeeves said, brushing down the back of the dinner jacket. "The attraction between Miss Tyler and the Doctor was clearly very strong, and if Miss Tyler and Captain Harkness had remained engaged, it would have caused him more distress when she chose the Doctor."

"But would she have chosen the Doctor?" Bertie asked. "No, Jeeves, I'm not convinced. Saved though I may be, I am wracked with guilt. My stomach is churning."

"If I may be permitted to say so, sir, that is not guilt. That is merely hunger. I advise you proceed to dinner."

-----

For the first time since their arrival at Brinkley Court, there was something of a strain between the Doctor, Jack and Rose that dinner time. Jack hadn't mentioned anything about the kiss after rescuing them, and when either of them – more Rose than the Doctor – had tried to talk to him about it, he'd changed the subject, or disappeared. The closest he'd come to acknowledging it was just before they went into dinner.

"Claude and Eustace have started up some kind of betting pool on what sort of scandal we cause," he told them lightly. "Let me know what we're planning, then at least I can get some cash out of it."

Rose shot the Doctor a helpless look and the Doctor raised his eyebrows, saying very plainly 'I told you this was a mistake. Clearly, I am right. _Again_. And it never gets tiring.' She ignored him, in favour of trying to catch Jack's eye.

Jack excused himself quickly after dinner, and it was a testament to his charm that he managed it without offending anyone. Rose tried to follow after him, but Bertie ambushed her.

"Hallo there," he said cheerfully. "Mind if I have a word?"

Rose glanced past him to where Jack was disappearing out the door.

"It's about that errand you asked me to run," he added, and her attention was immediately back on him again, dragging him over to a quiet corner of the room.

"Yes?" she prompted. "Has she got it?"

Bertie nodded, and smiled and waved at Bingo, who was shooting him a look that was both parts hurt and confused.

"Haven't got a bally clue what you'd want with such a revolting piece," he said. "She's going to give it to Angela for her birthday."

"Damn." Rose ran her tongue over her teeth, thoughtfully. "I suppose that means she's not going to give it to us…" She blew out her cheeks. "We're going to have to pinch it."

"Well don't expect me to have any part of it," Bertie said haughtily. "I'm not stealing anything."

"Fine, look, could you maybe…draw it?" Rose looked around and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper from the writing desk they were next to. "So we know what we're looking for."

Bertie obliged, a little baffled, and handed the paper over to Rose. She smiled brightly at him, then headed off after Jack, slipping the drawing into the Doctor's hand as she passed.

-----

Jack wasn't anywhere in the TARDIS, which was worrying enough. Rose eventually found him standing on the bridge over the ornamental lake, leaning on the stone and frowning at the lily pads, the moonlight being reflected back into his face.

"Jack?" she called quietly, coming up beside him. He glanced at her and flashed her a bright smile.

"Hey there, gorgeous. What can I do for you?"

"Just wanted to see if you were okay," she said, leaning her back against the wall of the bridge and studying his face carefully.

"I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

Rose nodded, pushing some of her hair out of her face.

"Jack…about earlier…"

"If you're planning on making an excuse, don't bother," he told her. "It's fine. Wasn't like I didn't expect it, sooner or later." The look on his face said he clearly would have preferred it to be later. "But it's okay. We'll get this done, and then you guys can drop me off wherever and enjoy the honeymoon period."

Rose frowned at him.

"What?" she asked. "You mean…You want to leave…?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, sweetheart, but I don't want to be around if you two are finally getting on with it. It'll sort of spoil the mood, for one thing." He turned to face her properly and smiled at her. 

"Jack…I don't want you to go," she told him. He reached up and cupped her face gently.

"Rose," he said. "The Doctor loves you, and he was possessive enough before. You don't want me around while you're still settling into your relationship. I'll just get in the way. Besides, the Doctor probably wouldn't let me even talk to you," he gave a small smile. "It's fine."

Rose grabbed his wrist when he turned to leave.

"Jack – the other day, when you kissed me – he wasn't jealous of you."

"Really? Then he does a damn good impression." He tried to tug his wrist from her grip, but she held tighter. "Rose, let me at least get out of this with some dignity. Let go."

"He was jealous of both of us," she insisted. "He told me so!"

"Because he's usually so forthcoming with that sort of thing," Jack scoffed.

"He _did_! He said he cared about us! _Both_ of us!"

"Some more than others," Jack said, prying her hand off his arm. "I knew that already."

"Jack," Rose snapped. "You're not listening! He wants both of us."

Jack's expression was sceptical.

"You'll have to forgive me if I don't quite believe that," he said.

"Well, what about me?" she asked.

"You love the Doctor, that's obvious," Jack shrugged. "Don't try and make me stay out of loyalty, Rose. I'd rather go."

"I love you too, Jack," she said firmly.

"Rose, don't, it's not fair - "

"It's the truth!" She moved around to block his path. "You told me that in your time, it was perfectly acceptable for three or more people to be together."

"Yeah, _my_ time," he gripped her arms and moved her out the way. "You're only used to having two people around – the Doctor can barely handle the idea of one. Having me there would just make everything harder than it needed to be."

"It wouldn't Jack, it wouldn't! I want you there, the Doctor wants you there - "

"Rose, _stop_!" Jack glared at her, and she stilled, stunned at his shout. "Look, I…I care about you, and the Doctor, but I'm damned if I'm going to hang around like a third wheel while you guys go gaga over each other. Neither of you're used to having more than two people in a relationship – I'd just make things awkward. So just…Stop trying to give me ideas, because all it's gonna do is make it hurt more when I go, and that's not fair!"

She slapped him.

His face stayed blank, mouth pressed into a firm line as his cheek darkened in the moonlight.

"If you say _anything_ like that again, Jack, I'll knock you into next week," she snapped. "Why're you making this so complicated? I want you, the Doctor wants you, and you want us. Where is the problem?"

"Rose, it won't work."

"We'll make it work," she said, taking his hand. "We've done harder things."

Jack eyed her for a moment, expressionlessly, before bringing her hand to his lips.

"Rose Tyler," he said with a small smile, linking her arm through his. "You are something else."

-----

When they got back to the TARDIS, the Doctor was pacing around the console, agitated.

"What's wrong?" Jack asked as they headed up the ramp.

"_This_," the Doctor said, shoving the drawing Bertie had done into Jack's hands. Jack stared at it.

"That's not good," Jack said, staring at the picture. "That's not good at all."

"What? What is it?" Rose peered at the picture over Jack's arm.

"It's a weapon," the Doctor said grimly. "It contains a biological agent – a virus - "

"It's a bomb," Jack clarified. "Only it won't just kill everyone here if it explodes,"

"The virus'll get into the atmosphere," the Doctor said. "It'll kill everyone on the planet."

-----


	12. Chapter 12

-----

Jack had abandoned his dinner jacket over the railing, and his sleeves were rolled up, his bow tie undone. Had the situation been less apocalyptic, Rose would've paused to appreciate the view. The Doctor as usual looked unruffled, bent over the console and staring at the monitor as if hoping the TARDIS would provide the answer.

"Can't you deactivate the detonation circuit from here?" Jack asked.

The Doctor shook his head, nodding to the readings on the monitor.

"It's old. Half the components have decayed." He frowned. "I try anything from here I could set the whole thing off."

Jack swore irritably.

"We'll have to get it tomorrow," the Doctor said and scowled.

"So…we're going to have to break into Honoria's room." Rose chewed her thumbnail as she thought. "One of us'll have to distract her."

"I guess that's me then." Jack snorted. "Great. Well, at least she won't shove me in the pond."

"She might," Rose said. "She's not very happy with you."

"I can't believe you let her shove you in the pond," the Doctor said.

"I didn't! I fell!"

"Stick with the pushing story," Jack advised. "It sounds better."

-----

Rose had gone to bed, figuring that tomorrow would arrive quicker if she slept. Jack wished her luck with that.

"Here." Jack held his wrist-comm out to the Doctor, who looked up at him with a frown.

"What?"

"I've programmed the specs of the bomb into it," he said. "Figured it'll help you tomorrow – speed things up a bit, since I'll be out keeping Honoria occupied."

The Doctor took it with a tight smile, and turned back to fiddling with the bits and pieces spread out on the kitchen table in front of him. Jack hovered for a moment, unsure whether to stay or go.

"Was there something else you wanted?" the Doctor asked shortly, slamming one of the pieces down on the table and snatching up another one, probing it with the screwdriver.

"…No," Jack said, setting his jaw and turning to leave.

Behind him, he heard the Doctor sigh and the sound of metal being set down on the table.

"Jack," he said.

Jack paused, but didn't turn.

"I can guess what Rose told you," the Doctor continued. "And if she told you what I think she told you…Well, it's true."

"And what do you think she told me?" Jack asked the doorframe.

"That she loves you," the Doctor said. "And, well…You know."

"No, Doctor, I don't know." He shot the Doctor a look over his shoulder as he left the room. "I really, really don't."

-----

Bertie found himself collared by Aunt Dahlia before he could get anywhere near the breakfast he smelt in the dining room.

"Now really, Aunt Dahlia!" he protested, as she twisted his ear viciously and dragged him aside.

"You listen to me, Bertie," she hissed. "If you do anything to wreck this party for Angela, I'll make you wish you'd never been born, do you understand?"

"…Yes Aunt Dahlia," Bertie said, wincing as she released his ear. She shot him a glare which would have stopped a rampaging bull in its tracks, and stalked off.

Rubbing his ear and thinking deeply on the injustices of Aunts, he came across Jack, the Doctor and Rose, staring through the open door of the drawing room with expressions of utter dismay.

"Hullo," he said cheerfully. "What's the misery?"

"What's all that?" the Doctor demanded. 

Bertie peered through the door at the table piled with brightly wrapped packages.

"Presents," he said slowly, raising an eyebrow at the Doctor. He'd thought the chap was intelligent. Perhaps not. "For Angela's birthday. You know – the party this afternoon?"

The Doctor swore. Bertie was about to berate him to mind his language in front of a lady when Rose echoed him emphatically.

"Right," the Doctor said. "New plan."

Before Bertie could even get out the words 'I'm not stealing anything', he was hustled into the drawing room with the three of them and the door shut behind them.

"We'll have to do it when everyone's down at the marquee," Jack said. "That way no-one'll walk in on you."

"Which means someone needs to distract everyone," Rose added. "Keep them from coming up here."

"Hang on," said Bertie, aware suddenly that something was most severely amiss, and that it was unfair to place a chap in this sort of situation before breakfast. "What're you going to do?"

The three of them glanced at him, thoughtful looks appearing across their faces.

"Bertie," Jack said, flashing him a grin and draping his arm across his shoulders. "Know any Cole Porter?"

-----

"Now look here," Bertie hissed, as he, Jack and Rose loitered round the back of the marquee, watching the crowd bustling around. "I don't know what you're planning, but I'll have no part in it!"

"Bertie…"

"No! If I do anything, Aunt Dahlia'll have my hide!"

Rose turned her puppy-dog eyes on him, and Bertie felt his resolve rapidly crumbling.

"No, I say, no!"

"Oh come on, Bertie, don't be a spoilsport old man." Jack shot him a reassuring smile and clapped him on the shoulder. "Look, what time's the band arriving?"

"I don't know. Some time after lunch, I should think."

Jack glanced at his watch.

"Right, that'll give the Doctor about an hour at the least." He grinned at them. "We've just got to make sure no-one thinks of presents before then. Keep 'em down here."

"Oh God…" Rose shook her head slightly. "This has got to be the most stupid thing we have _ever_ had to do to buy him time."

"Even more stupid than that thing with the chickens?" Jack asked. Bertie decided he didn't want to know.

"Yes. Way more stupid than the thing with the chickens. This time it's a deadly _birthday present_!"

"Point. Right, Bertie, you can sing, can't you?"

Bertie froze.

"Why on earth…"

"You and me, we'll be providing a little… 'light entertainment'," Jack said. "Rose'll be making sure no-one wanders off."

"Jack…" Rose said, while Bertie wished the earth would open up and swallow him.

"Look, this is what they get for leaving a piano unattended." He winked at her and began to hustle Bertie towards the stage. "Go on, don't worry!"

-----

The Doctor stood in front of the table of presents, Jack's wrist-comm open and scanning over the packages.

"You can come in," he said. "I know you're there."

There was a pause, then Jeeves slid into the room through the side door.

"Pardon the intrusion, sir," he said stiffly. "But I came to inform you that lunch will be being served in the marquee in a few minutes."

"Rubbish," the Doctor said, unearthing the appropriate present and carefully pulling the wrapping off. "If that was true, you wouldn't have been following me around the rest of the week." He looked up and raised his eyebrows at Jeeves, grinning. "Didn't think I noticed, did you?"

Jeeves didn't answer, and his face remained impassive. The Doctor studied him for a moment, then turned his attention back to the bomb before him, pulling out the sonic screwdriver and various other intriguing devices from his seemingly bottomless pockets.

"Keep an eye out for anyone coming, will you," he said absently, beginning to fiddle. Jeeves, surprisingly, obliged, stationing himself by the door.

-----

Rose wondered where Jack had learned to play the piano, as she hung around the back of the tent, watching as the guests enjoyed the performance. And all Bertie's worries about his Aunt seemed unfounded, since Jack had announced Bertie had hired him as the entertainment especially for Angela, before diving straight into some show tune or other. She'd even overheard Dahlia whispering to another guest.

"My nephew," she'd said, "is one of the most useless creatures on this planet. But he's got a pair of lungs on him."

On stage, Bertie was wondering fervently what would have happened if he didn't have that 'light and pleasing baritone' that Jeeves had credited him with so long ago.

This was, Rose thought again, as Jack caught her eye and grinned, by far the most daft way to save the world _ever_.

-----

After a while, the Doctor spoke again.

"Tell me," he said conversationally, opening the base of the ornament and carefully inspecting the wires and circuits he was presented with. "Clever bloke like you, been watching me all week, you should have some clue as to how me and Rose ended up trapped in the upstairs drawing room. Would've been difficult to miss someone pushing a bookcase and sofa in front of the door."

"I'm afraid, sir, I cannot help you. I must have been otherwise occupied at the time."

"Hm." The Doctor fell silent, frowning at the object in his hands. He fitted what looked like a fishbowl over the top of it, sealing off all but the base, and then he pressed the sonic screwdriver to the circuits.

Jeeves watched as the ornament exploded silently inside the fishbowl, and a pale blue gas filled it. The Doctor flashed him a grin.

"I never get tired of being a genius," he chuckled, setting the sonic screwdriver down and taking out some sort of syringe containing a violent green concoction. The needle slid easily through the glass of the bowl. Jeeves suspected he made some noise of surprise, because the Doctor glanced up at him. "Dis'Fah Plexiglass," he said, as if that explained everything. "Used by most bomb squads around the universe. Marvellous invention. And to think, if I hadn't blown up that lab, they never would've discovered it!" He pushed the syringe and the liquid slid into the bowl, seeming to expand and swallow up the glass, before shrinking down to the size of a pea. "Fantastic! I love it when things go right."

He set everything down and began to pull it apart.

"So," he said, as everything was returned to his pockets. "Tell me – why did you lock Rose and me in the drawing room?"

"I beg your pardon, sir?"

The Doctor picked up the small green bead and studied it for a moment, with a grin, dropping it inside the fishbowl, then folding it up and sliding it into his pocket.

"Why did you lock Rose and me in the drawing room?" he repeated, grabbing a replica of the ornament he'd just blown up and popping it into the box. Sliding the wrapping paper back on, he stuck it back down with the sonic screwdriver and placed it back on the table, then folded his arms and turned to look expectantly at Jeeves. "You must've had a good reason. I'm interested."

-----


	13. Chapter 13

-----

The Doctor arrived to catch the tail end of Jack and Bertie's performance, standing next to Rose with a grin that declared his genius had once again saved the day and the queue to thank him started there. Jack caught sight of him and grinned as well, wrapping up the song with a flourish and he and Bertie bowed to a round of polite and somewhat impressed applause, immediately after which Bertie dove off the stage and made a beeline for the gin and tonic.

Jack sauntered over to them, hands in his pockets, looking extremely pleased with himself.

"Where did you learn to play the piano?" Rose asked, when he drew closer, shooting him a teasing grin.

"Time Agency," he told her. "You'd be surprised what they taught us 'just in case'. Didn't take much time – they just uploaded it into our minds."

"Same way they wiped your memories?"

"Something like that." Jack glanced at the Doctor. "World saved?"

"Yep." The Doctor's grin grew impossibly wider. "You'd expect anything else?"

"From you?" Jack raised an eyebrow. "Nah."

"We off then?" Rose looped her arm through the Doctor's.

"What's the rush? Thought we might stay and enjoy the party." The Doctor grabbed a glass of wine from the tray of a passing waiter. "We were invited, after all."

"Yeah, Rose." Jack glanced away, over the rest of the guests. "Anyone'd think you were in a rush to get rid of me."

Rose stared at him.

"Jack, you don't still want to leave?"

"I think it'd probably be best, don't you?"

"No," she said, and elbowed the Doctor viciously. He winced dramatically and glared at her. She glared back and he sighed.

"Jack," he said. "I don't want you to go."

Jack glanced at him.

"Why not?" he asked, a challenge.

"Oh you're not going to make me say it again, are you? Can't you just take Rose's word for it?"

"Doctor…" Rose muttered grimly.

"I want you to stay because…" He rolled his eyes, unable to believe he was going to say it. "Because I…care, alright?"

"You do." Jack raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not saying it again," the Doctor said warningly. "You humans, it's all about words with you, isn't it? And it's never the fun ones, either. Always the meaningless pap."

"You didn't sound terribly sure when you said it that time," Jack pointed out. "Don't do this out of pity, Doc. I don't want it."

Rose reached over and took Jack's hand.

"It's not pity, Jack," she said. "He's just useless."

"Oi!"

"He practically screamed it at me," she added. "He said it so he could win our argument."

"And did he?" Jack asked with a small grin. Rose grinned back.

"Not a chance."

"Jack," the Doctor said again. "Stay. Because… Rose wants you to."

"Just Rose?" Jack said. "That's not really the offer I'm after, Doc."

"_I_ want you to as well," the Doctor told him.

Jack studied them both. The Doctor raised his eyebrows expectantly and Rose squeezed his hand. He broke into a grin, and grabbed his own glass of wine.

"I accept," he said, clinking his glass with the Doctor's. "But you're going to have to prove it."

"Later," the Doctor said, matching Jack's grin as Rose stole his wine. "I've promised someone a favour."

-----

"Bertie," Claude hissed, sneaking up on his cousin later that evening. "Bertie, I think something's wrong with Jeeves!"

Bertie was immediately on the alert, turning to face his cousins.

"What?" he asked, anguish writ plainly on his face.

Eustace nodded, his own expression grave.

"I think he's reached the end of his genius, Bertie," he said, placing a comforting hand on Bertie's shoulder. "His intellect, which once burned bright, has gone out."

"What do you mean? How? Why?"

"You know we set up that pool," Claude said. "On what scandal your three friends would cause?"

"Yes…?"

"Jeeves came to us earlier and placed a rather…unusual bet. For both of you. For…quite a lot of money," Eustace said.

"What was it?" Bertie asked, his stomach clenching in dread.

"Well - "

There was a shriek and the whole room fell silent. Claude, Eustace and Bertie whirled around to see what the problem was. 

There, in the middle of the dance floor, were the Doctor and Jack locked in what could only be described as a 'passionate embrace'.

"Oh blast it!" Claude snapped, and he and Eustace turned out their pockets, shoving a load of money into Bertie's hands.

"I don't know how he does it," Eustace muttered. "I really don't."

Bertie took the money wordlessly, the dread tightening its grip on his innards as if trying to squeeze the birthday cake he'd just eaten out of his ears.

The crowd looked on in horror. Honoria looked ready to kill someone. Aunt Dahlia gritted her teeth. Aunt Agatha seemed to swell to three times her normal size and turn purple.

The pair broke apart, grinning, and Jack caught his eye and winked at him.

"_Bertie_!" roared Aunt Agatha, with all the air power of a force nine gale.

Bertie legged it.

-----

He crashed into Jeeves just outside the back door.

"Jeeves!" he cried. "Jeeves, we must leave! Post haste! There's been an incident and the aunts are out for blood!"

"I expect so, sir," Jeeves said calmly, taking the money out of Bertie's hands and slipping it into the small carry case he was holding. "Given the nature of the occurrence, and your acquaintance with the two involved, it is unsurprising that they are blaming you."

Bertie blinked.

"Yes…Yes, exactly. So go pack!"

"Already done, sir," Jeeves said, handing Bertie the hat and coat he had been holding, drawing Bertie's attention to the fact that he was already wearing his bowler hat and coat. "And if you would care to follow me, I have already arranged transport for us."

Bertie trailed after Jeeves as he led the way around the side of the house.

"I feel it would be prudent, sir, if we were to remove from England for a space, so I have made arrangements for us to be taken to your New York residence."

"You're a marvel, Jeeves," Bertie said, struggling into his coat and putting his hat on. "When do we leave?"

"I have been given to understand, sir, that we will be departing this very evening."

"And what of the Doctor and Captain Harkness?"

"I believe it will be discovered upon further investigation that both the Doctor and Captain Harkness had been drinking heavily for most of the day and therefore cannot be held accountable for their actions. However, this will present Captain Harkness as an eminently unsuitable partner for Miss Glossop, and also by your acquaintance with him, rule you out as a prospective beau."

"Good God, Jeeves!" Bertie cried, as they came to a stop outside the Police Call box that Rose had disappeared into the previous day. "You don't mean to say you planned all this!"

"With some help, sir, yes." Jeeves knocked firmly on the door.

Before Bertie could question this bizarre action, the door opened and Jack grinned out at them.

"You were quick," he said, and stepped aside so Jeeves could lead the way in.

Bertie followed, in the vague sense that he was very rapidly going insane. He found himself inside an impossibly cavernous room, with some strange contraption in the middle, which the Doctor was standing at, grinning over to them. Rose gave him a little wave from her perch on the railing and Jack closed the door behind them.

"Everything work?" the Doctor asked.

"I believe so, sir," Jeeves said, gracing the Doctor with the minute twitch of lips which was the closest he ever came to a smile.

"Fantastic!" He pulled a lever beside him and the whole room shook. Bertie clung helplessly to the wall, and noticed the bags he had brought with him to Brinkley Court piled neatly beside the door.

"Jeeves!" Bertie cried. "What's happening?"

"I took the liberty of explaining to the Doctor why we locked Miss Tyler and himself in the drawing room yesterday. He proved surprisingly sympathetic to your predicament and offered his services."

"But where are we?"

"My ship," the Doctor called. "I tell you what, if your man Jeeves had been born a couple of centuries later, he could rule the world."

"I thought you said they'd been drinking!" Bertie hissed at Jeeves, watching as the Doctor and Jack bounded around the console, swapping innuendo with each other and Rose as they pushed levers and twisted knobs.

"They have, sir," Jeeves said calmly. "It is, however, the instance that due to the nature of Captain Harkness and the Doctor, neither of them is able to become drunk very easily."

"What on Earth do you mean, 'due to the nature of'?" Bertie demanded, still clinging to the wall.

"If you recall, sir, when we first met the Doctor, I expressed certain concerns that he was somewhat…out of the ordinary," Jeeves looked over at the Doctor, who grinned back. "I took the liberty of observing him during our time at Brinkley Court and discovered that he was perhaps more…unusual that I had at first suspected. He confirmed this suspicion earlier this afternoon after I came across him destroying the present Miss Glossop had brought for your cousin."

"But…" Bertie frowned. "He didn't destroy it – I saw Angela open it!"

"That was a replica," the Doctor called. "Keep up!"

"Suffice to say, sir, that the Doctor is not of our world."

"You worked that out on your own?" Bertie asked weakly.

"I will admit, sir, that until the Doctor confided the situation to me, I had found myself perplexed."

The entire room shuddered again and the Doctor beamed at them.

"Here we are! New York! A week after you left Brinkley Court!"

"Don't be ridiculous," Bertie protested, "it's barely been ten minutes!"

The Doctor rolled his eyes and shot Jeeves a pointed look. Jeeves inclined his head – in thanks or agreement – and opened the door, guiding Bertie gently out, before returning to retrieve the bags.

"Just tell him it was a dream," the Doctor advised, before Jeeves disappeared out the door again. "Say he had some bad cake or something."

Jeeves inclined his head again.

"Thank you for your help, sir."

"Not a problem," the Doctor grinned. "Might see you again, Jeeves. Who knows?"

"Very good, sir," Jeeves said, and disappeared out the door.

The Doctor shook his head slightly.

"If all humans were as intelligent as him, my life would be so much easier."

"Be nice," Rose said.

"It's the truth!"

"You know," Jack said, folding his arms and leaning back against the railing, "for a guy who supposedly 'cares' about us, you're not going out of your way to show it."

"See," the Doctor said, "if you were more intelligent, you'd _know_ and I wouldn't have to show it."

"Bloody full of yourself, aren't you?" Rose said.

"Bloody bossy, aren't you?" the Doctor shot back.

"Yeah," Rose grinned, her tongue caught between her teeth. "Never manage with you if I wasn't."

The Doctor reached out to swat her and she danced out of the way, pressing a kiss against his cheek and then slipping around to kiss Jack before disappearing out of the console room with a cackle.

An awkward silence fell. For all his confidence earlier, it was clear Jack still wasn't sure where he stood with the Doctor.

"I, um." Jack licked his lips. "I'd better go get changed."

"I meant what I said earlier," the Doctor said, before he could move off the platform.

Jack paused.

"I know you did," Jack said. "You don't say things you don't mean."

"Yes I do." the Doctor shot him a small smile. "But you're worried I don't mean it in the way you want me to mean it."

"Can you blame me?" Jack asked with a wry grin.

"Not really." The Doctor moved around the console. "You've been here long enough, should know by now that I don't do all that human talking about feelings stuff. Not my thing."

"Sometimes," Jack said, "a guy just needs to know where he stands."

The Doctor tugged him forward and kissed him. After a moment's hesitation, Jack kissed back.

"Well!" came Rose's voice. "Considering neither of you wanted to do this, you seem to be enjoying yourselves without me."

"'S 'cause you're so bossy," the Doctor said, pulling back to grin wickedly at Jack. "We were worried you'd start dictating everything."

Jack grinned and kissed him again, while the Doctor held out a hand to Rose.

It seemed strange that for all the experience between them, it had taken a nineteen-year-old shop girl from a primitive time to convince them to try this. Then again, the Doctor thought, as Rose hung off his arm while Jack kissed her, maybe it was all their experience which had been holding them back.

-----

The next day, Bertie sat up in bed, reading the paper Jeeves had brought in with his tea.

"I say, Jeeves," he said, shaking his head in a baffled manner. "I don't know what I ate, but the week has just disappeared!"

"Indeed, sir?" Jeeves said impassively, setting out the suit for the day.

"I'll be damned if I can't remember any of the trip over here," Bertie continued, sipping his tea with enthusiasm. "And I had the most bally peculiar dream, that that Doctor chappy was some sort of creature, or something, and he had a magic police box," he shook his head again and laughed. "All very rummy."

"Quite, sir," Jeeves agreed calmly.

"I bet it was that cake, you know," Bertie said. "I've always said that Aunt Dahlia's chef was a loss on the baking, for all his skill when it comes to a beef joint. It's no wonder that Uncle Tom's always in such a jolly foul mood."

"As you say, sir," Jeeves said. "Will that be all, sir?"

"What? Oh yes, thank you Jeeves."

"Very good, sir." Jeeves inclined his head and shimmered out of the room. 

-----


End file.
